Why?

Survivors of senseless murders and suicide are haunted by the deepest question- "WHY"?






Why did this have to happen?
Why would he/she do this to me?
                               Why didn't I do something differently?
Why am I being punished?
                                                                               Why would anyone be so cruel?
                      Why would anyone be so selfish?
And so on....

Although we may never know the answer to these questions, we often find ourselves coming up with various answers that negate the truth of the matter. For example, many people experience survivor guilt.

"Survivor guilt explores the other side of the coin of why me? Namely, why not me? Why did I survive when others did not? Those who struggle with it may express the feeling of being an impostor: somehow the "wrong" person survived; it "just doesn't seem right." Many feel that beating the odds makes little sense unless the survivor earned or deserved it in some way. But some survivors emphasize they don't feel especially deserving. To complicate feelings of unworthiness, in the early stages of grief there is a tendency to idealize the deceased, so the survivor may feel even less deserving by comparison." By Roberta D. Calhoun, ACSW, LICSW


You are left here as a Survivor. It is your duty to yourself to survive. Had it been meant that you would be lost, you would be lost. However, this type of acceptance will come when you have allowed yourself to grieve in a healthy manner. Until then, attempt to dispel these thoughts through reminding yourself of the fact that YOU ARE MEANT TO BE HERE AT THIS TIME!

Another example of asking "WHY?" is trying to place yourself in the mind of the perpetrator, be it a relative, friend, or even a stranger. What is important is that we must remind ourselves- each individual comes with a unique life experience. This life experience shapes each person's world, or in other words, his or her view of the world.

Often times, through experience the truth is no longer obvious. For those troubled enough to resort to a heinous act (even suicide), it is unlikely that you will ever be able to put yourself in his/her "shoes" or to begin to imagine how his/her thought process led to the culminating event. Their life lenses were covered with the debris of their life experiences, clouding the truth that points to the priceless value of life and of freedom. It is not that we are to "Feel Sorry" for anyone, but that we stop trying to understand their mindsets at the time of the demise.

Yet, knowing all this, we still ask "WHY?" Even 15 years from now you may still ask "why", yet the asking will not create so much hurting. Losing a loved one to a traumatic murder or suicide is like losing your limb suddenly. You are still alive. You may feel unable to move, unable to do anything, and in so much pain that not even the best pain medicine can take it away. However, even with a lost limb, you learn to adapt to your world as you continue to live and to press forward. But until then... it seems there will never be a time that you will feel normal. WHY?

Know first that YOU ARE NORMAL! YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY! What you are experiencing is NORMAL! You are experiencing not only grief that occurs with the loss of a loved one but the shock of a sudden and traumatic loss will leave you even more bewildered.

Shock, pain, anger, bewilderment, disbelief, yearning, anxiety, depression, and stress are emotions expressed by some suicide survivors.

Anger, although a normal part of the grieving process, is known to be more intense after the loss of a loved one to murder and to suicide. Allow yourself to be angry. You've been left to deal with learning more about this world than you ever thought possible. All innocence seems lost! WHY?

Understand that brain diseases such as clinical depression, anxiety disorders, bipolar illness, and schizophrenia underly 90% of suicides.

FORGIVE THEM!

Forgiveness is the first step to no longer allowing the perpetrator to control you. However, forgive on your time frame. Murderers, as opposed to those who commit suicide, with mental health illness and a coexisting substance abuse issue only account for 10% of perpetrators. So what's their excuse? WHY?
Although we may never know the answers to why such evil exists in this world or why so many people resort to senseless violence leaving others forever changed, we must press on, despite the pain of loss. WHY?


WE MUST SURVIVE!


If you feel that you can no longer take the pain and have thoughts of suicide, please seek professional help. Call 9-1-1 if the thoughts are overwhelming. Call 1-800-273-8255 (National Suicide Prevention Hotline) Do not be ashamed to ask for help if you need it. There are counselors/therapists available to help you. There are support groups to assist you. If you find yourself with "complicated grief" years after the loss, you may be experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY.


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